Feel the feelings. Grieve the loss.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

It has been 5 months and 11 days since I lost a friend to suicide. Ryan McDannold. I met him through a friend. We Facebook chatted for about a month. We kept talking about getting together and hanging out. Saturday, the day of the state cross country meet, he invited me to Eastview Church. I had been to Eastview once or twice back in jr. high. I was hesitant but finally decided: why not. He had asked me multiple times "Do you like me?" My answer was usually the same: "Well, I don't really know you, but you seem like a cool guy!" He told me he'd call me Sunday morning. He called (His phone calls are crazy...How I'd love to have him call me up right now...laugh non-stop, talk about duck dynasty and any other random thought that pops into his mind..) and told me to meet him at 11:15 at the fountain. Okay, I had been to Eastview once or twice and I remembered two things: It's huge and there are a lot of people. So I'm asking where this "fountain" is and he assures me "You'll see it!" I asked him what I should wear because I knew it was more casual. "Wear purple. I'm wearing purple!" Haha okay Ryan, I'll wear purple. I wore my purple tank top, grey jacket, boot cut jeans and my grey canvas Nikes. I got to the church, walked in nervously...i was right: really big. lots of people. I look around thinking fountain...fountain...he said you can't miss it! I turned to the left...oh...that...yep...can't miss it. So as I'm awkwardly waiting (doing that thing when you act like you're doing something on your phone) I suddenly think Oh my goodness...what if we're both waiting here and don't recognize each other. So I got on Facebook to double check. I was wrong. He found me. He walked down the stairs crowded with people and yelled "Hey Rachel! What's up!" like we've known each other since forever. He brought his sister to church too. He was wearing a purple flannel shirt, jeans and dress shoes...he had small feet. (I'm really a shoe person...so I'll most likely remember your shoes). Church was different, but good. He never failed to put a smile on my face for those few hours. He introduced me to all his friends (so just about everybody) and the youth pastor. Communion was really cool, getting to pray with him and his sister and a few of his friends. We hung out after church and talked for a bit. He's seriously crazy. We walked back to he place where we first met, at the bottom of the steps by the fountain (which is actually a well). He hugged me good-bye, walked up the stairs and said "see ya later, Rachel." I walked out the doors feeling a sort of excitement. I like this kid. He's cool. Little did I know...that spot would be the last time I see him. Those would be the last words I hear him speak. I messaged him "Hey it was nice meeting you!" I had not heard from him in a few days, and honestly, I had been thinking about him a lot. I sat on my bed and considered calling him just to say hey, it was nice meeting you, you're pretty cool, let's do it again sometime!" I decided against it. Fast-forward a day or two. November 8th 2012. I'm visiting my grandpa, the day before a college visit. It's my mom's birthday. We're sitting in a small diner, eating dinner. I get a phone call that will affect me in ways I would have never imagined. I answer a casual "hello?"...I will never forget these words..."Ryan committed suicide." Wait what...are you laughing or crying? This isn't a very funny joke...i respond "Um. That's unfortunate...?" I get a harsh reply "What?" Oh my...is this real? "Wait what?" This time I get a dramatic response "Ryan committed suicide." I honestly don't remember what I was thinking...I think the world started spinning 1000 miles an hour. I tell my friend: "I can't talk right now. I'm at dinner, but I'll call you later." She hung up on me. My heart dropped. I felt like I had been hit by a bus...I sat for a few minutes? Seconds? I don't really know. I asked my mom if I could go call my friend back. I think she could sense something was very wrong and I'm sure my face had absolutely no coloring. I call my friend back...I really don't remember what I said. She told me to come to Eastview. People are going just to be together...I wanted to but couldn't, I was three hours from home. I went back in and sat down like nothing had happened...I pushed my food around my plate until my grandpa asked me "Do you not like your food?" I managed to squeak out: "I'm just not hungry." I began to cry. I don't think he or my mom had any clue what had happened. I was in a complete fog. I was numb. I don't even know what I was thinking. I just needed to talk to somebody...Is this real? What? I called my best friend I've known all my life...I was crying and said: "Do you remember Ryan? Did I tell you about Ryan?" My voice was frantic and she knew something was wrong. "Rachel where are you?" I just remember I couldn't get the words out "Ryan..." My voice cracked and i couldn't say it. "Rachel where are you?" I could manage to tell her "I'm at my Grandpa's." I'm full on bawling now. "Ryan co...." I think i finally squeezed some type of sound out that resembled "Ryan committed suicide." I'm not even sure she knew what I had said. Skip the college visit day (I was in a fog and only cried once). I went to Eastview again the next morning just to be with everybody. I've never cried so much in my life. As soon as I relatively had it together, I'd glance up to the lyrics on screen and absolutely lose it. I just remember a lot of people hugging me. Some told me if I ever needed anything, I could go to them...but most just hugged me. I wouldn't have known what to say either...after church, I was hanging around with people when somebody walks up and simply says: "Hey. Really red eyes." I probably managed a slight chuckle, but was thinking Um duh, I just bawled my eyes out for the past two hours straight and I am not done yet.She shook my hand and I was super confused. First I was trying to figure out if she was a high school kid or if she was an older person just helping. Then I was trying to figure out why the heck she was talking to me...but most of all I was still in a daze...Did all his really happen? She ends up being an important piece to the story later. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of something new happening in my life. The road was going to become much messier in the next months.


If I could go back, I wouldn't change anything. That is not what I want, but I would not go back and change it. I'm so thankful I met Ryan. I am blessed to have the small amount of time I had with him. I got to worship and pray with him. I'm so blessed and grateful for that. Sure, this is not how I want things to be...but this life is not my will. It's God's will.God's will is what's best. I trust Him. I trust He knows what He's doing. This universe is too big and complicated to understand for our tiny selves...that's why we aren't God.

"How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

-The Dance by Garth Brooks

 

I asked myself for such a long time "why?" Why would he do this? Why did God let that happen? Why did God bring him into my life, just to have him ripped away from me? Why why why! I eventually realized that sometimes, I have to stop asking why. There are some things too big and too complex for us to understand. We may be able to grasp bits and pieces, but some things will never be fully understood in this world. I needed to stop asking why.

I stopped asking those why questions, but I found myself asking others. Why did this affect me so much? Why does this still affect me? I hardly knew the kid. Why do i feel the way I do? Why do I have these thoughts? I went to grief share a couple nights ago (a care group at church), and I was relating to 95% of what was being said. I realized once again, I have to stop asking why. I realized that I need to grieve this loss. I have been suppressing it for 5 and a half months because I think that I should not feel this way. Well I see now that I must stop asking why, accept the fact that it affected me, and I need to grieve this loss.

I'm learning to not be so hard on myself. "Give yourself some grace."  I'm learning to love myself. I cried myself to sleep the night of grief share because I realized I have been denying myself the time to grieve for 5 months. That's part of the reason I've been struggling so much. I whispered to myself "it's ok. It's ok to cry. It's gonna be ok." It's ok to cry. It's ok to be needy. My savior is standing with His arms spread open wide. He embraces me at the foot of the cross and will never let me go. He wipes away my tears and helps me to my feet. Carefully dusting me off and leading the way. 

I need to grieve. What does that mean? I'm not exactly sure, but I need to feel out my feelings...no more pushing them away. I'll be praying for God to reveal to me what I need to do for this. I know I can't do this alone. I need Jesus to carefully lead me and heal me along the way. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I am confident that Jesus will comfort me through this mourning.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28

Believe it or not, God has worked miraculously thorough all this. I go to church every Sunday, which I never did before. I go to the same church Ryan brought me to November 4th, 2012. I realized that I can't live this life without Jesus. I need Him. We all need Him. He is our Savior. I grew in my faith and took the step of getting baptized January 6th, 2013. It's amazing. Ryan may not be physically  here, but his legacy lives on. God has worked and is working through Ryan and his legacy he left behind...and He isn't done yet...

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God isn't even done yet. He's just beginning...the best is yet to come. Don't give up until the miracle happens. God has great plans for me; I'm not sure what they are yet...but I know he has them. I pray that he will carefully unveil them to me.

I'm not sure where I'm headed...I'm not sure all I'm supposed to be...but right now I know what I need to do: Feel the feelings and grieve the loss.

"As You rise, we come alive The grave has lost, the old is gone And You're making all things new You are making all things new You are making all things new And we are free"

-All Things New by Elevation Worship